The Number 1 reason why the human race is fucked: Twitter

Twitter is shitting all over the world

Forget about the global recession, forget about physical diseases, forget about Fat Bastards and forget about the environment. The biggest threat to mankind is Twitter.

Twitter is without doubt the biggest plague to ever visit upon humans. It makes the bubonic plague look like a mild head cold. It makes television seem like the most productive activity since sex. And it makes the Flat Earth Society look like the most intelligent and enlightened people on the planet.

Since it was founded, Twitter has spread faster than the legs of a 40 year old crack whore desperate for her next hit. It has infiltrated every nation, every race and every social background. It’s so bad that it even makes Facebook look like time well spent. Jesus, this really is serious.

You might be wondering why Twitter is so dangerous. To the ignorant, it may seem like another form of communication, and a handy form of communication at that.

Well I’m here to warn the world of the dangers of Twitter and how it is destroying lives right now. I want the world to wake up to the menace that is Twitter. Not only is the world economy at stake, but so too is the human race as a species.

So what exactly is wrong with Twitter? Well, there are a few fundamental issues with Twitter which I will discuss.

1. It gives a platform to every retard on the planet

The biggest downside to the internet is the fact that it’s so easy for any numbskull to express their shitty views of the world. With Twitter, it’s even easier. Creating a website is pretty easy but it does require a small amount of money and effort. Twitter allows you to have a voice for free and with no effort other than to create an account on their site. Once you do this you are free to talk whatever shit you want.

Look around you. The vast majority of people are retards whose opinions have as much worth as a piece of dog shit. In pre-twitter days there were means of preventing these assholes from spreading their slurry. With Twitter, there is no stopping these vacuous scumbags.

What the average Twitter user looks like

2. One hundred and forty characters of utter bullshit and meaningless crap from brain dead retards with less than one hundred and forty brain c

In case you think I accidently forgot the ‘ells’ at the end of that, I didn’t. The heading is 140 characters long and that’s all I’m allowed. So if 140 characters isn’t even enough for the title of this section, then how the fuck is it long enough for anyone to say something meaningful?

Given the fact that most people are retards with stupid opinions, you may think this is a blessing in disguise. But what this 140 limit does is to stop the few non-retards out there to use Twitter to say something useful.

God damn it, I'm 4 characters over the limit. Now I can only make retarded comments

3. Empty vessels make the most noise

The old adage about vessels and noise is so true. If you want a quick and easy way to discover how retarded a person is then look at their number of tweets. It involves a bit of maths but don’t worry, the formula is really simple.

More tweets = More retarded

You got that? Good. The retardedness of a person is directly proportional to the number of tweets they’ve had.

If you want proof that the formula is accurate then look at any person who has thousands of tweets and look for shit such as:

“I ran out of toothpaste this morning. Hope I don’t forget to buy some at the shop this afternoon”

“Work was crap today. My life sucks”

“I love Twitter. It’s full of interesting people with deep and wonderful opinions”

“I just spent the last 6 hours looking at the opinions of random strangers on Twitter. Isn’t life wonderful?”

“@everyone Look at me! Follow me PLEASE! I’m a desperate loser #retard #asshole #cocksucker”

Now you might say that these guys are retards anyway and the fact they are on Twitter doesn’t make a huge difference. But remember, Twitter is a contagious disease that spreads. With the vast majority of tweets being meaningless garbage, it turns fairly intelligent people into total and utter retards.

Fry isn't the worst. Right now he's a semi-retard. How long before he's diagnosed with full blown retardation? My guess is about another 7,000 tweets

4. More time on Twitter means less time producing things

Over the last few years we’ve heard asshole economist after asshole economist talk steaming piles of shit about economics. Some use analogies, some use statistics, some tell self deluded lies and all of them think they are right. And yes, 100% of economists are on Twitter, and no, I didn’t make up that statistic as I was typing it.

There’s only one thing you need to know about economics: the wealth of any nation depends on what it produces. Simple as that.

And what has this to do with Twitter? Well, the more time people spend arsing around on Twitter, the less time they have to produce and increase their own wealth and the wealth of their country and of the world.

You can make that argument about other unbelievable wastes of time such as tv, video games and other websites. But there is something really sinister in how Twitter works.

Twitter is like email on steroids, cocaine and heroin put together. The average bored office worker might check their email once every half an hour. The average bored Twitter fuck checks their Twitter constantly. And the more people they follow, the more time they spend wasting their lives reading the tripe spouted out by retards.

This is what is happening. Twitter twats are now making Fat Bastard World of Warcraft obsessed nerds look like supermen. And following from this, ordinary people with ordinary lives are producing less because they’ve become obsessed with scratching their balls and muffs waiting for some cocksucker to tell them he’s enjoying a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Dan Boyle produces sweet fuck all and gets 70 grand a year of taxpayers money. No wonder Ireland is totally fucked

.

Now before you accuse RuleHibernia of being hypocritical bastards because we have a Twitter account, I want to explain how our account works. The team at RuleHibernia spends precisely zero time on Twitter. Since the site began, we have employed a 14 year old Indonesian boy called Ponco to do all our Twitter work. He set up the account and during his lunch breaks from the Nike shoe factory he works in, Ponco logs onto our website and updates our Twitter account with our latest articles.

Furthermore, Ponco likes keeping up with Irish news and occasionally puts in additional tweets. The beauty about being a 14 year old Indonesian boy who tracks Irish news is that he can more easily filter out all the bullshit that Irish journalists and other media come out with here in Ireland.

Ponco is cheap. Every month we send $2 to Ponco. So far Ponco has proved to be our best investment. If it wasn’t for Ponco, then the RuleHibernia team would by now be a bunch of retarded losers who masturbate to the tweets of a fat ugly fag who says women don’t enjoy sex. Thank fuck for Ponco.

Thanks to our little Indonesian buddy, our Twitter account is easily the best Irish one out there and one of the best in the world. Of course this is nothing to gloat about considering that almost every Twitterer is a retarded insecure fuck who feels suicidal when someone stops following them.

We send $2 a month to a kid in this country who truly deserves it

So what can we do about the Twitter disease?

I have come up with an idea but I need help. My idea requires the help of some loser geek computer programmer and hacker. The plan is to hack into the Twitter site and to redirect everyone to RuleHibernia.com.

Fucking genius! Instead of hundreds of millions of brain dead fucks looking at utter shit, they will instead be directed to the website of the smartest bastards on the planet where they will feel rejuvenated and alive. And thus, the world is an infinitely better place for everyone.

So if you are a sad computer programmer who spends 10 hours a day programming and 10 hours a day jerking off to Carrie Fisher in Star Wars, then we want to hear from you.

In the meantime, check out the RuleHibernia Twitter account and challenge yourself not to blow a hole in your pants.

Just pull the fucking trigger and end it all !!!!

Tags: Bubonic Plague, Child Labour, Dan Boyle, Economics, Economists, Facebook, Fag, Fat, fat bastards, Flat Earth Society, Gay, Indonesia, Nike, Ponco, retards, Stephen Fry, Twitter

This entry was posted on November 20, 2010 at 2:39 pm and is filed under Gobshites, Latest Articles, Society. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.